Hi, its been awhile. I couldn’t find the time to write things out for the past few weeks due to work, stress and depression.
But yeah I know International Men’s Day is over a few days ago, but I did plan this post before hand, so I’m just going to write it anyway.
So yeah, I have been on a constant loop of depressive episodes for the past few months. Triggered by many various events.
Mainly due to a recent breakup that was relatively traumatic. I won’t get into too much details since its a memory I wished I never had and I want to get rid of.
She came into my life when I pretty much believe that my romance prospect is pretty much zero. She asked me out, I said yes. But how we broke was relatively sudden and after some dwelling, I realized she was using me as a platform or a stepping stone to give her confidence to enter a friend circle that I once had, or possibly using me to get close to someone.
But yeah, I’m a tool, like I always have been. I should have just turn her down, I should have just known my own place. I guess I’m not destined to have my own little love story. I can only have short, tragic novels.
Then Rent-A-Girlfriend and Tonikawa dropped into my anime list, they triggered my episodes, more on Tonikawa, since it triggers a lot more than Rent-A-Girlfriend. But yeah, I’m weak, mentally.
After the breakup, my gynophobia has reached a new peak, I lost my ability to hold a proper conversation with a girl, face-to-face. Being around girls will also freak me out. I hate it, it sucks and I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I really wonder why a guy like me, who has that phobia, want a romantic relationship so bad. Its actually funny.
I have been thinking of closing the blog for ages as well. But its really hard to just close down a blog that has 4 years plus of sweat in it. It had pleasant memories, but bad ones too as well. I made friends, lost friends and even made enemies as well.
Work hasn’t been smooth sailing either. I won’t get into details as well for this one, since its really just… I don’t know, hard to write it out in words.
My life plan now, if nothing much changes, is to live till my 40th birthday, unless somehow maybe that year wasn’t so bad, I will just extend for a year. 15 years left on the clock sounds long enough for me. A life this pathetic and worthless isn’t worth living for too long. Living till I’m halfway there sounds like a good place to stop.
I will reject or not pursue any romantic relationships anymore. I have reached a stage where dating will trigger a doomsday clock in my subconscious, waiting for the day of when I am no longer of any use. I’m probably picked to be a tool anyway. Having romanticism running in my veins is a lethal weakness.
You can call me an attention seeker for writing this, but I don’t have an outlet. Parents put me down for being who I am and having such a mental state. Toxic masculinity runs in their blood. Therapy is a waste of time, since I prefer bottling things up, hence why I didn’t go into detail as to what exactly happened. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my problems to other people, no matter how close we are.
And I hope this would send a message to others as well. Men are also human, we have feelings, we are not robots. We have emotions, just like every other living thing in this world.
And also, do check on your friends regularly, don’t make them become like me, a guy who has reached a point of no return.
Seeking therapy doesn’t make you weak, it shows that you want to change and you want to be better.
So yeah, feel free to judge me, diss me or ridicule me in the comments. I really don’t care anymore, I might even feel better.
I genuinely just want to stop breathing and I can’t wait for that day to come.