International Men’s Day: Why I Don’t Matter Anymore

Hi, its been awhile. I couldn’t find the time to write things out for the past few weeks due to work, stress and depression.

But yeah I know International Men’s Day is over a few days ago, but I did plan this post before hand, so I’m just going to write it anyway.

So yeah, I have been on a constant loop of depressive episodes for the past few months. Triggered by many various events.

Mainly due to a recent breakup that was relatively traumatic. I won’t get into too much details since its a memory I wished I never had and I want to get rid of.

She came into my life when I pretty much believe that my romance prospect is pretty much zero. She asked me out, I said yes. But how we broke was relatively sudden and after some dwelling, I realized she was using me as a platform or a stepping stone to give her confidence to enter a friend circle that I once had, or possibly using me to get close to someone.

But yeah, I’m a tool, like I always have been. I should have just turn her down, I should have just known my own place. I guess I’m not destined to have my own little love story. I can only have short, tragic novels.

Then Rent-A-Girlfriend and Tonikawa dropped into my anime list, they triggered my episodes, more on Tonikawa, since it triggers a lot more than Rent-A-Girlfriend. But yeah, I’m weak, mentally.

After the breakup, my gynophobia has reached a new peak, I lost my ability to hold a proper conversation with a girl, face-to-face. Being around girls will also freak me out. I hate it, it sucks and I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I really wonder why a guy like me, who has that phobia, want a romantic relationship so bad. Its actually funny.

I have been thinking of closing the blog for ages as well. But its really hard to just close down a blog that has 4 years plus of sweat in it. It had pleasant memories, but bad ones too as well. I made friends, lost friends and even made enemies as well.

Work hasn’t been smooth sailing either. I won’t get into details as well for this one, since its really just… I don’t know, hard to write it out in words.

My life plan now, if nothing much changes, is to live till my 40th birthday, unless somehow maybe that year wasn’t so bad, I will just extend for a year. 15 years left on the clock sounds long enough for me. A life this pathetic and worthless isn’t worth living for too long. Living till I’m halfway there sounds like a good place to stop.

I will reject or not pursue any romantic relationships anymore. I have reached a stage where dating will trigger a doomsday clock in my subconscious, waiting for the day of when I am no longer of any use. I’m probably picked to be a tool anyway. Having romanticism running in my veins is a lethal weakness.

You can call me an attention seeker for writing this, but I don’t have an outlet. Parents put me down for being who I am and having such a mental state. Toxic masculinity runs in their blood. Therapy is a waste of time, since I prefer bottling things up, hence why I didn’t go into detail as to what exactly happened. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my problems to other people, no matter how close we are.

And I hope this would send a message to others as well. Men are also human, we have feelings, we are not robots. We have emotions, just like every other living thing in this world.

And also, do check on your friends regularly, don’t make them become like me, a guy who has reached a point of no return.

Seeking therapy doesn’t make you weak, it shows that you want to change and you want to be better.

So yeah, feel free to judge me, diss me or ridicule me in the comments. I really don’t care anymore, I might even feel better.

I genuinely just want to stop breathing and I can’t wait for that day to come.

10 responses to “International Men’s Day: Why I Don’t Matter Anymore

  1. Sorry to hear that you’re going through such a rough period, especially with covid and all. I suggest you keep your blog though, to write about your projects and to just have an outlet in general. Just go at your own pace; some people write 4 times a year.

    As for relationships, there’s no need to rule out anything. This woman, it’s good you found out she’s not right for you. The later you find out, the more troublesome. That I guarantee.

    As for the future, continue doing what you enjoy or anything that’s part of your goal in life. If some people disagree with you, they’re entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn’t mean they’re right.

    For example, when I tell people I invest in video gaming companies, some of them snicker. That’s because they still think games are Super Mario Brothers, whereas I’m thinking photo-realistic games like Detroit: Become Human. Just in this video game world, there’s already so many variables, how can anyone claim to know better than anyone else in this huge universe?

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m so sorry to here that you’ve been having such a difficult time and, while I obviously don’t know all the details, I wanted to tell you that no one deserves to be treated like a means-to-an-end and that you didn’t deserve to be used.

    I don’t think you’re weak or that you are being whiny for sharing this, rather, I think it was brave of you to put yourself out there and I’m very glad that you reached out. I know that you said that it is difficult for you to share your feelings, so I’m sure that this wasn’t easy to write. You should be proud of yourself.

    I see that a few other people have already suggested this, but I would also like to urge you to give therapy a chance. I’m not saying that it will be easy or quick; it will take time and it will likely be hard, at least in the beginning, to open up to a therapist, but I do think that there is a good chance that it could help you. If you’re still not sure, maybe just start with looking into what options are available to you. You never know, you might find something that’s perfectly suited to your needs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re not being an attention seeker, not at all. Everyone NEEDS an outlet. Some choose to talk to others, some write about it. It’s a necessary function to prevent us from imploding from the things we keep inside. I know how you’re feeling, albeit my situation isn’t exactly the same.

    I won’t use myself as an example, since I’m just like you and still struggling, but I’ve had friends who went through similar experiences who pulled through and found their own way to express themselves and be happy. One of them, whom after being tormented by her elitist parents and siblings her whole life for being different (she doesn’t like school and would rather do art) to the point of severe depression, found her own peace when she started something for herself online and found people who appreciated her. She now sells her art through Instagram and is around people who appreciates her for who she is.

    I guess what I tried to say is that happiness comes in many forms. Just because you can’t find it in romance for now, doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy in other ways. Don’t let an evil b*tch dictate how you feel for the rest of your life. You deserve better.

    I hope you’ll feel better soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I won’t leave a ‘like’ on this one because it feels wrong somehow. I will say this though. In terms of therapy, you’re absolutely right. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s an important tool for all people. Truly, I hope you’re able to find not only help in dealing with the stuff you’ve had to endure, but also some happiness.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. At times I wonder if people even read a post, because seriously I’m surprised that there isn’t a single comment on this one yet. Or maybe people just don’t know what to say.
    Man, I’m really sorry what you are going through. Don’t apologise in any way, and I don’t think you are an attention seeker at all. It’s sounds like you really have genuine problems and that you need help too.
    I’ve been alone for 44 years now, having never really had a real relationship. It’s something I have resigned myself too now, accepting it. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It never is. There’s a constant battle with loneliness, which is why I think friends are always important to have. You are so right though: check in with them is important, especially during these times.
    I’m not judging you in any way. All I can say is that I hope you will be able to find some help with everything that you are going through. This year is hard, it might be the hardest year we have ever gone through ever. So that doesn’t make it easier. But there are always people out there that care. So please, hang in there, and while I am no expert, I just urge to find someone who can help you. Take care, and I will keep my fingers crossed for you that things will go better🤞

    Liked by 2 people

      • Trust me, I’m not always feeling that optimism either man. I have days that I certainly don’t feel happy either. But I try to cope with it as best I can. Is it easy? Never is…and it probably never will become easy either. All I can say is that I can certainly relate. So really, hang in there man…and seek help if you can. As I said I’m not expert, but I can read in this post that you are hurting a lot. Nobody should face that alone.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.