Hey. This is me on my down period ramblings.
A little self-reflection of me after blogging for 4 years and ending it.
In the past, I do find myself and my reviews kind of immature, especially at the beginning of my blogging life. I was in the military back then when I started this blog, so my mind was still pretty childish I must say. But after military changed me as a whole, I do find myself a bit mature after discharging.
Life went back to normal for me after the 2 years of hell, and I find out something about myself, my mental age is still stuck at 16 years old, after the traumatic rejection I got that I wrote on my NagiAsu reflection.
I guess it became a permanent mental block, leading me into doing long distance relationships than actually physically dating a person. The incident also gave me a slight gynophobia, so let’s say on the train, if there is a girl and I have space, I will move at least an arm or two length away from her. If the train is crowded, I have to suppress myself from eventually breaking down because of how close she is. This is probably a permanent emotional scar I can never get over with, and will probably live with it forever.
I guess some of you guys are like “Wow, scared of girls after a little rejection?”, you have no idea how much I was ridiculed in school for having a crush on a girl. I was not ridiculed by guys, but ridiculed by my crush herself. Kind of the start of my life plan of being single and feed my parents until they eventually die and me joining them after that.
It does sound negative, but it is that negative. Pessimism starts from there and that’s how I lived it.
I don’t really like revealing a lot of my IRL stuff on my blog, to draw a clear line between reality and the internet. Only a few of my net friends how much I went thru, because I felt comfortable to share it to them.
Long distance relationships, something I have been doing and failed multiple times, most of them were on my end, I guess. But I think I should stop, because after every breakup, I became a darker person and I think I’m not suited to be in a relationship ever. After each breakup, I write novels to distract myself from the situation, and kind of give it a vibe of self-reflection. My latest novel already gotten an attention of a friend from Twitter that she found out that the main characters are a reflection of me. And yeah I have to admit, they are. They are the missing parts of me I wanted, some parts are the old optimistic me that I lost after the age of 14.
The latest breakup actually made it easier for me to break the news about leaving the blogging sphere. Planned it since last year, but was too happy and distracted by relationships made me wanna extend what I love to do. But now I have no reason to continue anymore, so I decided to end it as quick as possible.
Collaborations. No kidding, when I see multiple bloggers collab, I get jealous and I’m like, I wanna be a part of this. But my insecurities as a person made me unable to ask anyone for a collab and after 4 years of blogging, I have never collaborated with anyone ever before. But I still have friends from blogging, so its not all that bad.
Maybe I’m not socialable, maybe I’m a bad person? Idk.
I’m not here asking for your pity, it’s ok I don’t collab, since after all, I am a solo blogger. Rambling over. Sorry if I were to ruin your day with this post, but I just want to share how I feel from 4 years of blogging and how much I changed as a person thru blogging. I guess I’m turning into an even horrible person…